Fat woman on elliptical machine swaying and mouthing "Let it rock, let it rock, let it rock!"
Yeah...that would be me. I'm trying to enjoy exercise. Trying to make myself believe I'm like a kid at the playground or a 20-something at a disco. I wonder how much of a fool I'm making of myself by with my feeble attempts at enjoying exercise. Do the big guys with bulging muscles and young girls with high pony tails look at me and think what the hell is that?
They're there to be cool. To look good. To show-off. They might expel a few strategic grunts to make sure we know how hard their working it, but they easily hop up and down the flight of stairs separating the weight zone from the cardio machines.
It's hard for me to be there among them. I mostly try to block them out. Pretend they aren't there. I'm in my own happy little world...dancing and singing along to my favorite gym mix. Maybe they block me out, too. Who wants to see a crazy fat lady when they can focus on the buns of steel on the next machine over. Fat isn't pretty. Fat isn't sexy. Fat is scary. A demon, a specter and force to fear. To avoid.
I wish I had that kind of self-awareness and desire to show-off a bit. Maybe if I did, I would have never let myself get to this point. Maybe I wouldn't hate exercise so much. Maybe it would be my social arena where I would be a beautiful person among the other beautiful people, not the strange fat lady that barely fits on the equipment.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
I'm a Grown-up Now
I just tossed some trigger foods into the trash. I can't be trusted with them.
I've done this because I'm a grown-up now...and I've had the bat mitzvah to prove it!
Yes, a bat mitzvah...not at age 13, but at age 52.5 years old. This is something in my wildest dreams I never thought of doing, but somehow I found myself chanting Torah this past Saturday in a shul bursting at the seams with friends and family. Thankfully I was not alone in this challenge of mind and spirit, I was joined by 14 other women who also shared this goal. Women with whom I have developed a wonderful bond. I think that's maybe the most important realization I had during this one and a half year process...That friends, true friends are important, and that I need them.
Being an only child, I was raised independent of others. They were alien to me, and I to them. I never really fit in as a kid. Raised by adults with no one under the age of 30 around me until I began kindergarten at age 5, I was a true social misfit. Through my school years I was usually the kid with the target on their back for the bullies and social-climbers. At age 13, I was tall, geeky and Lutheran. I was Lutheran because that's where I found friends. A nice group of kids that accepted me for who and what I was. They helped me through the high school years. I tried to get into the spirit of being Lutheran. I really did. But instead I found myself questioning what the Pastor said were matters of faith. I recall asking during the Catechism classes why we didn't read the Bible in it's original language. I was told we didn't need to. I also remember when we were learning about the Jewish faith, asking him if I could be Jewish...it made sense to me. I was told, no...you have to be born a Jew, you can't become one.
Well I showed him didn't I? Becoming Jewish was something inevitable for me. When I moved to Florida, my friends were mostly Jewish and I even went to shul and holiday dinners at their homes sometimes. Then I met my husband to be, a Persian Jew. It was never a question for me. I would convert and we would raise our children with a single cultural/religious identity, Jewish. Overall, I think I was fairly successful at this. From Mommy and Me classes at the JCC to an Orthodox Jewish day school to their b'not mitzvah at the Reform shul...there was no question, they were Jewish.
But over the years after their b'not mitzvah, I found less and less for me at the shul. Those old feelings of not fitting and being bullied returned. I reached a point I didn't even bother going to Yom Kippur services, sadly sending my husband off on his own. That was a real low point, but I'm not sure I realized it until we tagged along with longtime friends who were testing out a new shul. That first Friday shabbat that we visited our current shul, I realized how important it was to my husband to have the support of the religious and cultural Jewish community in his life. I also realized that our nest is empty now. Our common interests were slowly diminishing. It was time for me to step up. As I felt warmly welcomed to this new shul, I felt maybe their was something here for me, too.
I didn't rush in to all the activities offered by our new shul all at once. I took my time. I tested the waters and decided whether to jump in. Eventually I did dive in, head first and have found myself warmly immersed in the spiritual community. When the Rabbi said he would be starting a b'nai mitzvah class for adults during the high holidays announcements, it somehow seemed like this was something I had to do. Now that I have completed more than the required hours of study, mitzvah project, and learned to read Hebrew, I'm glad I acted on that impulse. Not only have my husband and I found a common interest for us to share and grow in, but I have found I do need a community of supportive friends, old and new. Celebrating the bat mitzvah at a party shared with family, recent and longtime friends culminated in me a renewed feeling of confidence that I can set goals and accomplish them, but with the support of family and friends. Maybe that's what it means to finally be a grown-up...that you can set goals and achieve them with the help others. Which leads to the ability to throw fattening foods I really want to pig-out on into the trash.
I've done this because I'm a grown-up now...and I've had the bat mitzvah to prove it!
Yes, a bat mitzvah...not at age 13, but at age 52.5 years old. This is something in my wildest dreams I never thought of doing, but somehow I found myself chanting Torah this past Saturday in a shul bursting at the seams with friends and family. Thankfully I was not alone in this challenge of mind and spirit, I was joined by 14 other women who also shared this goal. Women with whom I have developed a wonderful bond. I think that's maybe the most important realization I had during this one and a half year process...That friends, true friends are important, and that I need them.
Being an only child, I was raised independent of others. They were alien to me, and I to them. I never really fit in as a kid. Raised by adults with no one under the age of 30 around me until I began kindergarten at age 5, I was a true social misfit. Through my school years I was usually the kid with the target on their back for the bullies and social-climbers. At age 13, I was tall, geeky and Lutheran. I was Lutheran because that's where I found friends. A nice group of kids that accepted me for who and what I was. They helped me through the high school years. I tried to get into the spirit of being Lutheran. I really did. But instead I found myself questioning what the Pastor said were matters of faith. I recall asking during the Catechism classes why we didn't read the Bible in it's original language. I was told we didn't need to. I also remember when we were learning about the Jewish faith, asking him if I could be Jewish...it made sense to me. I was told, no...you have to be born a Jew, you can't become one.
Well I showed him didn't I? Becoming Jewish was something inevitable for me. When I moved to Florida, my friends were mostly Jewish and I even went to shul and holiday dinners at their homes sometimes. Then I met my husband to be, a Persian Jew. It was never a question for me. I would convert and we would raise our children with a single cultural/religious identity, Jewish. Overall, I think I was fairly successful at this. From Mommy and Me classes at the JCC to an Orthodox Jewish day school to their b'not mitzvah at the Reform shul...there was no question, they were Jewish.
But over the years after their b'not mitzvah, I found less and less for me at the shul. Those old feelings of not fitting and being bullied returned. I reached a point I didn't even bother going to Yom Kippur services, sadly sending my husband off on his own. That was a real low point, but I'm not sure I realized it until we tagged along with longtime friends who were testing out a new shul. That first Friday shabbat that we visited our current shul, I realized how important it was to my husband to have the support of the religious and cultural Jewish community in his life. I also realized that our nest is empty now. Our common interests were slowly diminishing. It was time for me to step up. As I felt warmly welcomed to this new shul, I felt maybe their was something here for me, too.
I didn't rush in to all the activities offered by our new shul all at once. I took my time. I tested the waters and decided whether to jump in. Eventually I did dive in, head first and have found myself warmly immersed in the spiritual community. When the Rabbi said he would be starting a b'nai mitzvah class for adults during the high holidays announcements, it somehow seemed like this was something I had to do. Now that I have completed more than the required hours of study, mitzvah project, and learned to read Hebrew, I'm glad I acted on that impulse. Not only have my husband and I found a common interest for us to share and grow in, but I have found I do need a community of supportive friends, old and new. Celebrating the bat mitzvah at a party shared with family, recent and longtime friends culminated in me a renewed feeling of confidence that I can set goals and accomplish them, but with the support of family and friends. Maybe that's what it means to finally be a grown-up...that you can set goals and achieve them with the help others. Which leads to the ability to throw fattening foods I really want to pig-out on into the trash.
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