Back at the diet again as of May 2. I week in and though I'm only down 7 lbs, I'm okay with it. The weight was coming back on at an alarming rate and I was more than halfway toward gaining back all I had lost.
This is frightening really. So much work, deprivation and time goes into loosing weight. Yet, gaining it is so easy. I really can't go through this again, so this time around I need to find a way of loosing the weight that I can live with.
During the past week, I've pretty closely followed the Quick Weight Loss Diet that I originally lost so much weight with. There are long term problems with this diet plan for me though, so I've been reading and soul-searching for what is going to work for me in the long run. Here are my ideas:
1. Follow the basic tenets of the QWL plan. Mornings, rotate between 1 egg, 1 starch and 1 fruit and 3 oz. mozzerela, 1 starch, 1 fruit. Lunch and dinner should always have 2 vegetables, 1 protein, and 1 starch. I should have 1 fruit with lunch and another in the afternoon. I can have 1 serving of milk and fat per day. The question for me now is the protein snacks I should eat in the afternoon and after dinner. The QWL diet provides powder packets that make shakes, puddings, etc. for this purpose. I still have quite a stockpile of these items from the past times on this diet. But I'd like to find a substitute for these if possible, because one of the main changes I intend to make involves using less processed food products.
2. Use less processed food products. I'd really like to get them out of my diet completely, but not sure if that's doable for me. I've decided this time to forgo the delicious chip and other starch products sold by QWL. I almost ordered a batch today, but reconsidered when I remembered that one of the failures from past dieting attempts involved eating 3 bags of their chips with the justification that it was better than going to McDonalds...which I eventually did. One of my big concerns with processed foods are additives they use to make them taste good or make us addicted to eating them. I just may be more prone to this than others, but once I get the taste for something like the QWL chips or McDonalds...I just want more, and more. I wake-up in the morning thinking about it first thing. It's also a funny thing, but I really don't actually like the taste of McDonalds or even the QWL chips, but I crave eating them nonetheless. This weekend I read about a study that found people eat twice as much of something they don't like, as something they do like. This seemed to fit me exactly.
3. Do not eat things I really don't like. This seems like a no-brainer for most people, but not me. I don't really like the taste of McDonald's or some of the other things that I will eat too much of and even crave. If this study referenced above is true, maybe understanding this about myself will further help me stay away from this things. I really have to carry food with me when I leave the house, because for me, hunger is an overpowering sensation. When it happens, I just run to the closest fast food I can and order the absolutely most disgusting items on the menu, always with a dessert to cleanse away the taste of the food.
4. Drink water. I'm generally pretty good about this, but I think I need to be more strategic about it. I need 1 cup when I wake in the morning, another before and after lunch. I need to drink a cup before and after the afternoon snack, as well as before and after dinner. I'm hoping this will help me to feel full with the smaller amounts of food I'm eating.
5. Do not under any circumstance go to McDonalds! It is my true real addiction and like an alcoholic, I just can never have one taste. I somehow need to live in a world where it exists without succumbing to it's power over me. Even if I fail at following the eating rules defined above, I absolutely cannot fail to avoid this place. If I do or change nothing else, this is the one battle I truly need to conquer.
6. Exercise. The goal would be to do it daily, but I seem to either injure myself or get sick and mess-up my routine. So this time I will have no routine, only to move. I need to make sure I get up and do something small every hour or so. I need to go places to walk. I need to swim in my pool. Get on the elliptical at the gym. Walk around interesting places when we travel. I need to restructure the way I think about exercising to make it doable and enjoyable.
7. Do not eat at my desk or in front of the TV. I think this will help me define where I can eat, so I won't think of my work/entertainment zone as a place to snack if I get hungry.
8. Work for my food. I think I was raised with the mindset that food should be gotten fast and am used to immediate gratification when I'm hungry. I thought about this today as I prepared a fresh pineapple. It took work, but it was so much better than the fresh and very expensive already cut fresh pineapple you can buy at the store. If I put more time and thought into preparing my food, I hope to get myself into a different mindset from the hungry/instant gratification mode.
9. Call for help. I've promised my husband that if I breakdown and go to McDonald's, I will call Overeaters Anonymous immediately. I know and understand this is an addiction, but I'm loathe to sit at meetings where people hug and cry...not my thing. But this is it, here in writing, that if I breakdown again I will go to their meetings. Hopefully the spectre of this will keep me in line, along with the deep desire to really get at this.
10. Develop creative outlets. I've been writing and knitting lately and both help a lot. I also want to learn painting and do more sewing. The goal is to be so busy at these things I produce enough sell-able items for an Etsy shop.
Looks like this has developed into a Ten-Point Strategic Plan. Guess I better get at it!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Gray hair?
I had the great pleasure of spending a few days with my beloved daughters this past weekend for the occasion of the eldest's 23rd birthday.
Wow...a daughter turning 23 years old. My age when I met my husband. My age when I was living on my own with a career. My age when I was 135 lbs (below the minimum weight for my height). My age, if I recall correctly, that I first found a gray hair...just as my 23 year old daughter did this weekend.
What does it really mean to have found a gray hair? Not much really. I didn't really need to properly dye my hair until I turned 50. Do I feel 50? Do I feel like someone with a 23-year old daughter (who happens to have one gray hair)? The answer is a resounding, NO.
What is age anyway? My daughters chastise me for not acting my age. How should one exactly act in their 50's? In truth, I feel younger in my 50's than I did in my 40's. In many ways, though I continue to struggle with weight, I'm in better shape. I exercise more rigorously, have become more social and pursue more creative interests than I did a decade ago.
My daughters say my food issues cover deep psychological problems. Maybe they do, but maybe not. I definitely feel happier than I have in many years. Yes, of course I would like to loose the weight! I would definitely feel better to be a normal size. I do want to get there, but it's not easy.
I'm not sure if hiding my gray hair means I'm covering the fact that I'm in my 50's. Am I kidding myself that I feel younger and better now than I did a decade ago? I don't think so. Age is really only a chronological number. Being is a state of mind. I'm going to choose a positive and healthy state of mind (even if it means hiding that gray hair).
Wow...a daughter turning 23 years old. My age when I met my husband. My age when I was living on my own with a career. My age when I was 135 lbs (below the minimum weight for my height). My age, if I recall correctly, that I first found a gray hair...just as my 23 year old daughter did this weekend.
What does it really mean to have found a gray hair? Not much really. I didn't really need to properly dye my hair until I turned 50. Do I feel 50? Do I feel like someone with a 23-year old daughter (who happens to have one gray hair)? The answer is a resounding, NO.
What is age anyway? My daughters chastise me for not acting my age. How should one exactly act in their 50's? In truth, I feel younger in my 50's than I did in my 40's. In many ways, though I continue to struggle with weight, I'm in better shape. I exercise more rigorously, have become more social and pursue more creative interests than I did a decade ago.
My daughters say my food issues cover deep psychological problems. Maybe they do, but maybe not. I definitely feel happier than I have in many years. Yes, of course I would like to loose the weight! I would definitely feel better to be a normal size. I do want to get there, but it's not easy.
I'm not sure if hiding my gray hair means I'm covering the fact that I'm in my 50's. Am I kidding myself that I feel younger and better now than I did a decade ago? I don't think so. Age is really only a chronological number. Being is a state of mind. I'm going to choose a positive and healthy state of mind (even if it means hiding that gray hair).
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Trying to Enjoy Exercise
Fat woman on elliptical machine swaying and mouthing "Let it rock, let it rock, let it rock!"
Yeah...that would be me. I'm trying to enjoy exercise. Trying to make myself believe I'm like a kid at the playground or a 20-something at a disco. I wonder how much of a fool I'm making of myself by with my feeble attempts at enjoying exercise. Do the big guys with bulging muscles and young girls with high pony tails look at me and think what the hell is that?
They're there to be cool. To look good. To show-off. They might expel a few strategic grunts to make sure we know how hard their working it, but they easily hop up and down the flight of stairs separating the weight zone from the cardio machines.
It's hard for me to be there among them. I mostly try to block them out. Pretend they aren't there. I'm in my own happy little world...dancing and singing along to my favorite gym mix. Maybe they block me out, too. Who wants to see a crazy fat lady when they can focus on the buns of steel on the next machine over. Fat isn't pretty. Fat isn't sexy. Fat is scary. A demon, a specter and force to fear. To avoid.
I wish I had that kind of self-awareness and desire to show-off a bit. Maybe if I did, I would have never let myself get to this point. Maybe I wouldn't hate exercise so much. Maybe it would be my social arena where I would be a beautiful person among the other beautiful people, not the strange fat lady that barely fits on the equipment.
Yeah...that would be me. I'm trying to enjoy exercise. Trying to make myself believe I'm like a kid at the playground or a 20-something at a disco. I wonder how much of a fool I'm making of myself by with my feeble attempts at enjoying exercise. Do the big guys with bulging muscles and young girls with high pony tails look at me and think what the hell is that?
They're there to be cool. To look good. To show-off. They might expel a few strategic grunts to make sure we know how hard their working it, but they easily hop up and down the flight of stairs separating the weight zone from the cardio machines.
It's hard for me to be there among them. I mostly try to block them out. Pretend they aren't there. I'm in my own happy little world...dancing and singing along to my favorite gym mix. Maybe they block me out, too. Who wants to see a crazy fat lady when they can focus on the buns of steel on the next machine over. Fat isn't pretty. Fat isn't sexy. Fat is scary. A demon, a specter and force to fear. To avoid.
I wish I had that kind of self-awareness and desire to show-off a bit. Maybe if I did, I would have never let myself get to this point. Maybe I wouldn't hate exercise so much. Maybe it would be my social arena where I would be a beautiful person among the other beautiful people, not the strange fat lady that barely fits on the equipment.
Monday, January 30, 2012
I'm a Grown-up Now
I just tossed some trigger foods into the trash. I can't be trusted with them.
I've done this because I'm a grown-up now...and I've had the bat mitzvah to prove it!
Yes, a bat mitzvah...not at age 13, but at age 52.5 years old. This is something in my wildest dreams I never thought of doing, but somehow I found myself chanting Torah this past Saturday in a shul bursting at the seams with friends and family. Thankfully I was not alone in this challenge of mind and spirit, I was joined by 14 other women who also shared this goal. Women with whom I have developed a wonderful bond. I think that's maybe the most important realization I had during this one and a half year process...That friends, true friends are important, and that I need them.
Being an only child, I was raised independent of others. They were alien to me, and I to them. I never really fit in as a kid. Raised by adults with no one under the age of 30 around me until I began kindergarten at age 5, I was a true social misfit. Through my school years I was usually the kid with the target on their back for the bullies and social-climbers. At age 13, I was tall, geeky and Lutheran. I was Lutheran because that's where I found friends. A nice group of kids that accepted me for who and what I was. They helped me through the high school years. I tried to get into the spirit of being Lutheran. I really did. But instead I found myself questioning what the Pastor said were matters of faith. I recall asking during the Catechism classes why we didn't read the Bible in it's original language. I was told we didn't need to. I also remember when we were learning about the Jewish faith, asking him if I could be Jewish...it made sense to me. I was told, no...you have to be born a Jew, you can't become one.
Well I showed him didn't I? Becoming Jewish was something inevitable for me. When I moved to Florida, my friends were mostly Jewish and I even went to shul and holiday dinners at their homes sometimes. Then I met my husband to be, a Persian Jew. It was never a question for me. I would convert and we would raise our children with a single cultural/religious identity, Jewish. Overall, I think I was fairly successful at this. From Mommy and Me classes at the JCC to an Orthodox Jewish day school to their b'not mitzvah at the Reform shul...there was no question, they were Jewish.
But over the years after their b'not mitzvah, I found less and less for me at the shul. Those old feelings of not fitting and being bullied returned. I reached a point I didn't even bother going to Yom Kippur services, sadly sending my husband off on his own. That was a real low point, but I'm not sure I realized it until we tagged along with longtime friends who were testing out a new shul. That first Friday shabbat that we visited our current shul, I realized how important it was to my husband to have the support of the religious and cultural Jewish community in his life. I also realized that our nest is empty now. Our common interests were slowly diminishing. It was time for me to step up. As I felt warmly welcomed to this new shul, I felt maybe their was something here for me, too.
I didn't rush in to all the activities offered by our new shul all at once. I took my time. I tested the waters and decided whether to jump in. Eventually I did dive in, head first and have found myself warmly immersed in the spiritual community. When the Rabbi said he would be starting a b'nai mitzvah class for adults during the high holidays announcements, it somehow seemed like this was something I had to do. Now that I have completed more than the required hours of study, mitzvah project, and learned to read Hebrew, I'm glad I acted on that impulse. Not only have my husband and I found a common interest for us to share and grow in, but I have found I do need a community of supportive friends, old and new. Celebrating the bat mitzvah at a party shared with family, recent and longtime friends culminated in me a renewed feeling of confidence that I can set goals and accomplish them, but with the support of family and friends. Maybe that's what it means to finally be a grown-up...that you can set goals and achieve them with the help others. Which leads to the ability to throw fattening foods I really want to pig-out on into the trash.
I've done this because I'm a grown-up now...and I've had the bat mitzvah to prove it!
Yes, a bat mitzvah...not at age 13, but at age 52.5 years old. This is something in my wildest dreams I never thought of doing, but somehow I found myself chanting Torah this past Saturday in a shul bursting at the seams with friends and family. Thankfully I was not alone in this challenge of mind and spirit, I was joined by 14 other women who also shared this goal. Women with whom I have developed a wonderful bond. I think that's maybe the most important realization I had during this one and a half year process...That friends, true friends are important, and that I need them.
Being an only child, I was raised independent of others. They were alien to me, and I to them. I never really fit in as a kid. Raised by adults with no one under the age of 30 around me until I began kindergarten at age 5, I was a true social misfit. Through my school years I was usually the kid with the target on their back for the bullies and social-climbers. At age 13, I was tall, geeky and Lutheran. I was Lutheran because that's where I found friends. A nice group of kids that accepted me for who and what I was. They helped me through the high school years. I tried to get into the spirit of being Lutheran. I really did. But instead I found myself questioning what the Pastor said were matters of faith. I recall asking during the Catechism classes why we didn't read the Bible in it's original language. I was told we didn't need to. I also remember when we were learning about the Jewish faith, asking him if I could be Jewish...it made sense to me. I was told, no...you have to be born a Jew, you can't become one.
Well I showed him didn't I? Becoming Jewish was something inevitable for me. When I moved to Florida, my friends were mostly Jewish and I even went to shul and holiday dinners at their homes sometimes. Then I met my husband to be, a Persian Jew. It was never a question for me. I would convert and we would raise our children with a single cultural/religious identity, Jewish. Overall, I think I was fairly successful at this. From Mommy and Me classes at the JCC to an Orthodox Jewish day school to their b'not mitzvah at the Reform shul...there was no question, they were Jewish.
But over the years after their b'not mitzvah, I found less and less for me at the shul. Those old feelings of not fitting and being bullied returned. I reached a point I didn't even bother going to Yom Kippur services, sadly sending my husband off on his own. That was a real low point, but I'm not sure I realized it until we tagged along with longtime friends who were testing out a new shul. That first Friday shabbat that we visited our current shul, I realized how important it was to my husband to have the support of the religious and cultural Jewish community in his life. I also realized that our nest is empty now. Our common interests were slowly diminishing. It was time for me to step up. As I felt warmly welcomed to this new shul, I felt maybe their was something here for me, too.
I didn't rush in to all the activities offered by our new shul all at once. I took my time. I tested the waters and decided whether to jump in. Eventually I did dive in, head first and have found myself warmly immersed in the spiritual community. When the Rabbi said he would be starting a b'nai mitzvah class for adults during the high holidays announcements, it somehow seemed like this was something I had to do. Now that I have completed more than the required hours of study, mitzvah project, and learned to read Hebrew, I'm glad I acted on that impulse. Not only have my husband and I found a common interest for us to share and grow in, but I have found I do need a community of supportive friends, old and new. Celebrating the bat mitzvah at a party shared with family, recent and longtime friends culminated in me a renewed feeling of confidence that I can set goals and accomplish them, but with the support of family and friends. Maybe that's what it means to finally be a grown-up...that you can set goals and achieve them with the help others. Which leads to the ability to throw fattening foods I really want to pig-out on into the trash.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Another year gone by.
I had great visions of posting regularly...of having reached my weight loss goal...of being on track with life goals. So much for that. Maybe this year will be different? I blinked and the last one past by me with nothing really substantial accomplished.
I wonder why. I've gained back a bit of the weight I lost. I'm dieting again to get rid of it. It's really uncomfortable and my new clothes started getting tight. I really can't stand for that! So I've made myself a daily checklist with mundane things on it such as flossing and drinking enough water, in hope that I will re-program myself from my unproductive ways. I'll try.
I'm also making it a point to do something creative everyday. I have no trouble finding creative things to do...just being disciplined enough to actually do them. I always used to have excuses...well, I don't any more, so I'd best get busy. Hah!
I had great visions of posting regularly...of having reached my weight loss goal...of being on track with life goals. So much for that. Maybe this year will be different? I blinked and the last one past by me with nothing really substantial accomplished.
I wonder why. I've gained back a bit of the weight I lost. I'm dieting again to get rid of it. It's really uncomfortable and my new clothes started getting tight. I really can't stand for that! So I've made myself a daily checklist with mundane things on it such as flossing and drinking enough water, in hope that I will re-program myself from my unproductive ways. I'll try.
I'm also making it a point to do something creative everyday. I have no trouble finding creative things to do...just being disciplined enough to actually do them. I always used to have excuses...well, I don't any more, so I'd best get busy. Hah!
Friday, September 3, 2010
It's been awhile...
The summer just flew by. I don't know where it went, but it's gone. Both daughters are back at college and the nest is empty again. It hit me hard this time. I've spent the last few days just trying to get myself out of a slump.
The upcoming weeks promise to be busy, high holidays and various other things. Before I know it, it will be Thanksgiving and winter break. What I really can't believe is that my oldest will be graduating from college in May. That's one of those very significant milestones in life. Somehow it seems way more important than when I graduated from college myself...odd, huh?
I wonder why that is? Why do the accomplishments of my daughters feel more significant than my own achievements? The answer would probably open a whole Pandora's Box of issues I most likely wouldn't want to address, but probably should.
I'm looking forward to her graduation with great exuberance. I've set a goal to be at the same weight I was on my wedding day by it. I don't know if I'll make it, since my rate of loosing slowed down significantly this summer...but I'm going to try!
Speaking of milestones, I'm close to hitting one...100 lbs lost!!! So close. Maybe next week??? It would be a nice thing for Rosh Hashanah, starting the new year off right. Wish me luck!
The upcoming weeks promise to be busy, high holidays and various other things. Before I know it, it will be Thanksgiving and winter break. What I really can't believe is that my oldest will be graduating from college in May. That's one of those very significant milestones in life. Somehow it seems way more important than when I graduated from college myself...odd, huh?
I wonder why that is? Why do the accomplishments of my daughters feel more significant than my own achievements? The answer would probably open a whole Pandora's Box of issues I most likely wouldn't want to address, but probably should.
I'm looking forward to her graduation with great exuberance. I've set a goal to be at the same weight I was on my wedding day by it. I don't know if I'll make it, since my rate of loosing slowed down significantly this summer...but I'm going to try!
Speaking of milestones, I'm close to hitting one...100 lbs lost!!! So close. Maybe next week??? It would be a nice thing for Rosh Hashanah, starting the new year off right. Wish me luck!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
"Three years into this and I'm still trying to figure-out what will keep me sane", Valerie Bertinelli. She said this in an interview on CBS Sunday Morning today. The theme of the day has been about diet and fitness. Anyway, I really relate to what she said. I have a huge fear of gaining back what I've lost or not being able to loose more. I fear falling back into the old mentality that enabled me to hit that point of being "super morbidly obese".
Yesterday I teetered on that precipice. First, after having been completely, 100% perfect with my food plan all week, I only lost 1/2 lb. I've had a goal to have 100 lbs gone by my birthday in August. It would have been possible if I kept going at my 3 lbs a week rate, but no. I have to hit a plateau. So it makes me sad, but I go home with renewed determination to break the plateau. I eat my lunch, I swim laps for 30 minutes. I was dealing with it.
We planned to go out to eat. I was mentally prepared for a sports bar type place where I can fairly easily stick to my food plan. Then as we were ready to go and after I had already had my diet supplements, my husband decides we should go to the Persian restaurant. I can also eat there well on my food plan and normally do okay with it. So then we all decide to spend a bit more time getting fixed-up to go...much later than when I had planned to eat. I had left one of my fruits out for 2 days in a row, trying to boost my weight loss. Between that and eating later, I became hungry. By the time we sat down at the restaurant, I was really hungry. When my husband sent the waitress away because he wanted to take some time before ordering...I just lost it. All he wanted to order right away was the appetizer, one of my most favorite foods on the planet. A delicacy made fabulous due to it being cooked in copious amounts of oil, isn't particularly good for me to eat. Also, my vegetarian daughter was planning on that appetizer as the main part of her meal, so I knew it was going to be torture.
I managed to control myself and not to devour the whole dish and tried to be satisfied with three small bites of it. The control that took from me was overwhelming. The hunger was building almost to the point I couldn't stand it. Finally I ordered my meal. This time steak instead of chicken. Rice, instead of salad like I usually get there. After the order was placed, I realized I still needed more veggies. We finally managed to get the waitress's attention and ordered an extra salad.
By the time the food came, I still had enough gumption to be able to give over half of my rice, salad and grilled tomato to my daughter. I think if I hadn't immediately gotten it off my plate, I would have eaten it. I tried to eat slowly, but couldn't. I inhaled that dinner and was still hungry after it all. So hungry that even a couple bites of cake and two cups of tea later, I was still feeling hunger pangs. I always carry one bar and one powder supplement with me. I had the bar, even though I had already had one earlier that day (allowed only one bar a day and it has to be eaten before 5:00 pm) and it was 9:00 pm. The crazy thing was, is that I was still hungry after all that. When I got home, I just went to bed. I feared I was vulnerable to snacking.
This morning my home scale shows me down 1 lb...even after last night's indiscretions. I don't know what to think. But I'm still very scared of how hungry I became last night. I have no control over myself when it hits like that. I hadn't felt that way in quite some time. Like Valerie, I fear the crazies that brought about this weight gain. I fear if I don't figure-out what lead me to gain the weight, I never win the war over fat.
Yesterday I teetered on that precipice. First, after having been completely, 100% perfect with my food plan all week, I only lost 1/2 lb. I've had a goal to have 100 lbs gone by my birthday in August. It would have been possible if I kept going at my 3 lbs a week rate, but no. I have to hit a plateau. So it makes me sad, but I go home with renewed determination to break the plateau. I eat my lunch, I swim laps for 30 minutes. I was dealing with it.
We planned to go out to eat. I was mentally prepared for a sports bar type place where I can fairly easily stick to my food plan. Then as we were ready to go and after I had already had my diet supplements, my husband decides we should go to the Persian restaurant. I can also eat there well on my food plan and normally do okay with it. So then we all decide to spend a bit more time getting fixed-up to go...much later than when I had planned to eat. I had left one of my fruits out for 2 days in a row, trying to boost my weight loss. Between that and eating later, I became hungry. By the time we sat down at the restaurant, I was really hungry. When my husband sent the waitress away because he wanted to take some time before ordering...I just lost it. All he wanted to order right away was the appetizer, one of my most favorite foods on the planet. A delicacy made fabulous due to it being cooked in copious amounts of oil, isn't particularly good for me to eat. Also, my vegetarian daughter was planning on that appetizer as the main part of her meal, so I knew it was going to be torture.
I managed to control myself and not to devour the whole dish and tried to be satisfied with three small bites of it. The control that took from me was overwhelming. The hunger was building almost to the point I couldn't stand it. Finally I ordered my meal. This time steak instead of chicken. Rice, instead of salad like I usually get there. After the order was placed, I realized I still needed more veggies. We finally managed to get the waitress's attention and ordered an extra salad.
By the time the food came, I still had enough gumption to be able to give over half of my rice, salad and grilled tomato to my daughter. I think if I hadn't immediately gotten it off my plate, I would have eaten it. I tried to eat slowly, but couldn't. I inhaled that dinner and was still hungry after it all. So hungry that even a couple bites of cake and two cups of tea later, I was still feeling hunger pangs. I always carry one bar and one powder supplement with me. I had the bar, even though I had already had one earlier that day (allowed only one bar a day and it has to be eaten before 5:00 pm) and it was 9:00 pm. The crazy thing was, is that I was still hungry after all that. When I got home, I just went to bed. I feared I was vulnerable to snacking.
This morning my home scale shows me down 1 lb...even after last night's indiscretions. I don't know what to think. But I'm still very scared of how hungry I became last night. I have no control over myself when it hits like that. I hadn't felt that way in quite some time. Like Valerie, I fear the crazies that brought about this weight gain. I fear if I don't figure-out what lead me to gain the weight, I never win the war over fat.
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