"Three years into this and I'm still trying to figure-out what will keep me sane", Valerie Bertinelli. She said this in an interview on CBS Sunday Morning today. The theme of the day has been about diet and fitness. Anyway, I really relate to what she said. I have a huge fear of gaining back what I've lost or not being able to loose more. I fear falling back into the old mentality that enabled me to hit that point of being "super morbidly obese".

Yesterday I teetered on that precipice. First, after having been completely, 100% perfect with my food plan all week, I only lost 1/2 lb. I've had a goal to have 100 lbs gone by my birthday in August. It would have been possible if I kept going at my 3 lbs a week rate, but no. I have to hit a plateau. So it makes me sad, but I go home with renewed determination to break the plateau. I eat my lunch, I swim laps for 30 minutes. I was dealing with it.

We planned to go out to eat. I was mentally prepared for a sports bar type place where I can fairly easily stick to my food plan. Then as we were ready to go and after I had already had my diet supplements, my husband decides we should go to the Persian restaurant. I can also eat there well on my food plan and normally do okay with it. So then we all decide to spend a bit more time getting fixed-up to go...much later than when I had planned to eat. I had left one of my fruits out for 2 days in a row, trying to boost my weight loss. Between that and eating later, I became hungry. By the time we sat down at the restaurant, I was really hungry. When my husband sent the waitress away because he wanted to take some time before ordering...I just lost it. All he wanted to order right away was the appetizer, one of my most favorite foods on the planet. A delicacy made fabulous due to it being cooked in copious amounts of oil, isn't particularly good for me to eat. Also, my vegetarian daughter was planning on that appetizer as the main part of her meal, so I knew it was going to be torture.

I managed to control myself and not to devour the whole dish and tried to be satisfied with three small bites of it. The control that took from me was overwhelming. The hunger was building almost to the point I couldn't stand it. Finally I ordered my meal. This time steak instead of chicken. Rice, instead of salad like I usually get there. After the order was placed, I realized I still needed more veggies. We finally managed to get the waitress's attention and ordered an extra salad.

By the time the food came, I still had enough gumption to be able to give over half of my rice, salad and grilled tomato to my daughter. I think if I hadn't immediately gotten it off my plate, I would have eaten it. I tried to eat slowly, but couldn't. I inhaled that dinner and was still hungry after it all. So hungry that even a couple bites of cake and two cups of tea later, I was still feeling hunger pangs. I always carry one bar and one powder supplement with me. I had the bar, even though I had already had one earlier that day (allowed only one bar a day and it has to be eaten before 5:00 pm) and it was 9:00 pm. The crazy thing was, is that I was still hungry after all that. When I got home, I just went to bed. I feared I was vulnerable to snacking.

This morning my home scale shows me down 1 lb...even after last night's indiscretions. I don't know what to think. But I'm still very scared of how hungry I became last night. I have no control over myself when it hits like that. I hadn't felt that way in quite some time. Like Valerie, I fear the crazies that brought about this weight gain. I fear if I don't figure-out what lead me to gain the weight, I never win the war over fat.