"Three years into this and I'm still trying to figure-out what will keep me sane", Valerie Bertinelli. She said this in an interview on CBS Sunday Morning today. The theme of the day has been about diet and fitness. Anyway, I really relate to what she said. I have a huge fear of gaining back what I've lost or not being able to loose more. I fear falling back into the old mentality that enabled me to hit that point of being "super morbidly obese".

Yesterday I teetered on that precipice. First, after having been completely, 100% perfect with my food plan all week, I only lost 1/2 lb. I've had a goal to have 100 lbs gone by my birthday in August. It would have been possible if I kept going at my 3 lbs a week rate, but no. I have to hit a plateau. So it makes me sad, but I go home with renewed determination to break the plateau. I eat my lunch, I swim laps for 30 minutes. I was dealing with it.

We planned to go out to eat. I was mentally prepared for a sports bar type place where I can fairly easily stick to my food plan. Then as we were ready to go and after I had already had my diet supplements, my husband decides we should go to the Persian restaurant. I can also eat there well on my food plan and normally do okay with it. So then we all decide to spend a bit more time getting fixed-up to go...much later than when I had planned to eat. I had left one of my fruits out for 2 days in a row, trying to boost my weight loss. Between that and eating later, I became hungry. By the time we sat down at the restaurant, I was really hungry. When my husband sent the waitress away because he wanted to take some time before ordering...I just lost it. All he wanted to order right away was the appetizer, one of my most favorite foods on the planet. A delicacy made fabulous due to it being cooked in copious amounts of oil, isn't particularly good for me to eat. Also, my vegetarian daughter was planning on that appetizer as the main part of her meal, so I knew it was going to be torture.

I managed to control myself and not to devour the whole dish and tried to be satisfied with three small bites of it. The control that took from me was overwhelming. The hunger was building almost to the point I couldn't stand it. Finally I ordered my meal. This time steak instead of chicken. Rice, instead of salad like I usually get there. After the order was placed, I realized I still needed more veggies. We finally managed to get the waitress's attention and ordered an extra salad.

By the time the food came, I still had enough gumption to be able to give over half of my rice, salad and grilled tomato to my daughter. I think if I hadn't immediately gotten it off my plate, I would have eaten it. I tried to eat slowly, but couldn't. I inhaled that dinner and was still hungry after it all. So hungry that even a couple bites of cake and two cups of tea later, I was still feeling hunger pangs. I always carry one bar and one powder supplement with me. I had the bar, even though I had already had one earlier that day (allowed only one bar a day and it has to be eaten before 5:00 pm) and it was 9:00 pm. The crazy thing was, is that I was still hungry after all that. When I got home, I just went to bed. I feared I was vulnerable to snacking.

This morning my home scale shows me down 1 lb...even after last night's indiscretions. I don't know what to think. But I'm still very scared of how hungry I became last night. I have no control over myself when it hits like that. I hadn't felt that way in quite some time. Like Valerie, I fear the crazies that brought about this weight gain. I fear if I don't figure-out what lead me to gain the weight, I never win the war over fat.

Hopefully the apples fall far from the tree

When I finally woke-up and realized what I had done to myself with food, I worried what impact my bad behavior had on my daughters. For many years, both have them have been after me to loose weight and exercise. I just felt helpless and like there was nothing I could do to stop eating or have the energy to even try to move off the chair. It was a difficult thing to go through...seeing them wanting me to be like other "normal" moms, wanting me to be healthy and needing me to be a good example for them. I failed. Failed them, my husband and myself. At some point, they all gave-up on me. Worse, I gave-up on myself.

I fear now that I'm on track, loosing weight and getting into better shape, that it's too late. The damage has been done to my beautiful daughters. Neither one of them eats healthfully. Both are thin, but obsessed with being more thin. Yet both will eat junk food given the opportunity. They say they fear ending up like me as the reason they don't eat as they should. I have no credibility with them and anything I try to say is dismissed.

What I would like to say to them, if they would listen is the following:

First of all, what I did to myself to get myself as heavy as I did had nothing to do with eating like a normal person. It had to do with self-destruction and escape. I didn't gain the weight by eating three healthy meals with at least one or two small snacks a day. I didn't gain the weight by being active and engaged in life. I gained the weight by having not one, but two breakfasts. I gained the weight by going to McDonald's almost every day and eating the most high caloric items on their menu. I gained the weight by eating untold amounts of candy, dips, butter on everything, boxes of cookies, etc. I gained the weight because it was impossible for me to ever feel full, I was always hungry. Ravenously hungry.

I gained the weight by being sedentary, not engaging in regular exercise. True I had a series of injuries that contributed to this, but in reality I could have swam or done other gentle exercises to keep moving. Also, one thing feeds into the other. I was either too busy thinking about my next meal, eating it or so tired from eating that I could hardly move. The bigger I got, the harder it became to even get out of my chair.

My daughters don't have to follow in my footsteps. They are both healthy weights and in decent shape at this point. Yet, my oldest wants to diet and loose 20 lbs so she will be at the lowest weight for her height. My youngest is very thin. She insists she doesn't have an eating disorder, but she eats a lot of junk. It could be that her metabolism is still good at this age (like mine was), but I just don't know. It kills me to see the detrimental affect I have had on them with food. I don't know how to undo the damage I've done.

I guess it starts with me taking care of myself. Hopefully, they will learn as a result of the way I'm dealing with food now that they won't automatically become heavy as they get older. Hopefully they will see that by eating right and being active, I won't be heavy anymore and that if they treat food and exercise in a moderate and healthy way, they won't have to fear they will be like me.

Grocery Store Phobia

I procrastinated. Put it off all day. Noticed the list on torn white paper sitting on the counter. Ignored it.

Then the husband started in. "You need to do the shopping. Go. Get-up. Don't just keep sitting there." Later the daughter started. "Mom you need to go to the store. I want grapefruit."

It was hot out today...steamy. I hate having to get dressed, go into a hot car, then deal with finding parking at the grocery store. What I hate even more, is what I face when I go in there.

I don't think my family really understands. I used to become violently ill every time I went food shopping. For a long time, I just thought is was a coincidence that I would have to run to the bathroom (usually after the 3rd aisle). Sometimes I didn't make it in time and would have quite a mess to deal with. It was an issue I somehow tried to push out of my mind, because how do you avoid food shopping?

When I look back on it now, I think my stomach-grocery store problem was a sort of panic attack. My body was trying to tell me something that my mind didn't want to face.

What happened is that I LOVE food. I mean, really LOVE food. Nothing I enjoy more than a good pig-out. I would go into the store with an idea about what I wanted to buy, but I would get there and go on sensory overload. All sorts of plans for binging sessions would rush through my mind. As I would walk through the bakery aisle, I would buy boxes of fresh cookies, cakes and muffins. Then while in the juice aisle, I would see the candy right next to it. Large Cadbury chocolate bars with almonds were my weakness. For years I wouldn't resist. Then I switched to Weight Watchers candies...buying 4 or 5 bags of the 2 points each bon bons. What would I wash the candy I couldn't even wait to get home to eat with? Coca Cola, of course. And not the diet kind either! But all that shopping would make me so hungry. What was between my house and the grocery store? McDonald's!

McDonald's for me was synonymous with food shopping. If I went in the morning, I would have McDonald's breakfast on the way there. Bacon, egg & cheese biscuit meal. Coffee with 4 creams. Cinnamon roll. If I shopped after breakfast service, I would indulge in a Big Mac, fries and coke. Hot fudge sundae. I always had to have something sweet after eating their food...maybe to kill the taste.

I haven't had candy or McDonald's since December of this past year (7 months ago). I think I finally turned the corner the other day as far as my desire for it. I finally no longer associate the Golden Arches with pleasure. In fact, I kind of feel like throwing up just thinking about what their food actually tasted like.

But I still can't escape the grocery store. I try to buy most of our food at Costco these days, however, there's no escaping Publix for certain things. I consider it a victory that now I can go to the store and: 1. Not get sick. 2. Not buy candy and soda. 3. Not buy a bunch of stuff I plan to gorge myself on later. 4. Buy a bunch of stuff I will later throw-out. 5. Not stop at McDonald's.

Now I only buy what's on my list when I go food shopping. I go only into the aisles I know that I need something in. I've also become picky. I only buy something if the quality is good.

Even though I deal with the grocery store like a normal person now, I still hate going. Memories of my past still haunt me. Why did I do this to myself? How could I have thought it was okay to eat like this? I can't imagine what my family must have thought. What people must have thought with my car always in the McDonald's parking lot. What was I thinking sitting there in my car, eating all that food before grocery shopping? Then eating more when I returned home?

I'm grateful for the diet I'm on. It's not always easy, but for the most part I can live with it. Now that I've lost a fairly significant amount of weight I feel like the fog is starting to lift. Maybe I can see myself more clearly. I can't say I like what I see. It scares me. But I am changing my ways. Slowly, but surely. It's not easy. I still want to pig-out. I would love to just go out for a meal and order what I want to eat, with no thought about what is within the confines of my food plan. I hope this desire for beer, wine and cheese passes...just as my desire for a Big Mac and candy has.

Eyes Open Wide

Insomnia. I've been plagued by it most of my life. I try to fight it, but fail. I blame lack of sleep as one of the contributing factors to my weight problem (new research supposedly proves this).

It's really a vicious cycle. You can't sleep, so you stay awake. Maybe have a little snack. Then you really can't lay down to sleep because you need to digest what you just ate. I no longer snack when I have insomnia...it would be so counter-productive to my weight loss process. Though the urge to nosh is overwhelming right now. I guess this is where blogging becomes useful about now. Tonight I will be victorious! Now if I could just sleep.

Sleep is a necessary evil for me. I really get bored with the process of trying to fall asleep, then once I do, I wake-up. This happens about four to seven times a night; then I have to deal with the whole dreadful falling asleep thing again...over and over.

Unfortunately, when I finally do get into that good sleep zone it's around 5:00 AM. Not a good thing if have to get-up early...luckily most days my schedule has some flexibility and I can sleep until 10. But still, I think I would be much better off if I could just fall asleep and stay asleep on my husband's schedule. He's like clockwork every night. Starts snoring only a few minutes after laying down to sleep.

Speaking of his snoring, his snoring is annoying and perhaps responsible for some of my night time wakings. But at the same time, I find it oddly comforting. I miss hearing it when he's away.

I used to snore. I don't anymore thanks to my lovely C-PAP machine. Yes, one of the consequences of being heavy is sleep apnea. After loosing over 50 lbs, my doctor reduced my pressure level. He promises to do so until I hopefully no longer need the machine. That helps motivate me to not snack right now...not having to sleep wrenched into a mask hooked into a machine. Not having to carry it with me on airplanes. Not having to clean it every morning and set it up every night. I'm dreaming of that day!

Dreaming. I really need to get started on that.

One

I've always been busy. Always had goals. Knew how to get where I wanted to go. And have been relatively successful getting there.

Somehow I think I lost myself along the way. Now, with my beautiful daughters on their own and making lives for themselves, I'm finding-out that others have all kinds of distorted views of who I am. I'm becoming aware that I have a very skewed view of myself, too.

Let's take a closer look at that view of myself. Somehow it took my youngest daughter forcing me to look in the mirror about two years ago to realize I was overweight. How a person can be over 200 lbs above their normal weight and not realize it...I don't know. But I honestly didn't see it until that day. Then it took me another few months to accept that the image of huge me was real. I've lost 85 lbs since that day. A big part of this journey in self-discovery involves me dealing with how did I gain all that weight in the first place, the process of loosing a large amount of weight and figuring-out how to never gain it back again.

This blog will be an attempt to find myself again. I need motivation, goals and a sense of purpose. Let's see if I can discover it via this medium.