Grocery Store Phobia

I procrastinated. Put it off all day. Noticed the list on torn white paper sitting on the counter. Ignored it.

Then the husband started in. "You need to do the shopping. Go. Get-up. Don't just keep sitting there." Later the daughter started. "Mom you need to go to the store. I want grapefruit."

It was hot out today...steamy. I hate having to get dressed, go into a hot car, then deal with finding parking at the grocery store. What I hate even more, is what I face when I go in there.

I don't think my family really understands. I used to become violently ill every time I went food shopping. For a long time, I just thought is was a coincidence that I would have to run to the bathroom (usually after the 3rd aisle). Sometimes I didn't make it in time and would have quite a mess to deal with. It was an issue I somehow tried to push out of my mind, because how do you avoid food shopping?

When I look back on it now, I think my stomach-grocery store problem was a sort of panic attack. My body was trying to tell me something that my mind didn't want to face.

What happened is that I LOVE food. I mean, really LOVE food. Nothing I enjoy more than a good pig-out. I would go into the store with an idea about what I wanted to buy, but I would get there and go on sensory overload. All sorts of plans for binging sessions would rush through my mind. As I would walk through the bakery aisle, I would buy boxes of fresh cookies, cakes and muffins. Then while in the juice aisle, I would see the candy right next to it. Large Cadbury chocolate bars with almonds were my weakness. For years I wouldn't resist. Then I switched to Weight Watchers candies...buying 4 or 5 bags of the 2 points each bon bons. What would I wash the candy I couldn't even wait to get home to eat with? Coca Cola, of course. And not the diet kind either! But all that shopping would make me so hungry. What was between my house and the grocery store? McDonald's!

McDonald's for me was synonymous with food shopping. If I went in the morning, I would have McDonald's breakfast on the way there. Bacon, egg & cheese biscuit meal. Coffee with 4 creams. Cinnamon roll. If I shopped after breakfast service, I would indulge in a Big Mac, fries and coke. Hot fudge sundae. I always had to have something sweet after eating their food...maybe to kill the taste.

I haven't had candy or McDonald's since December of this past year (7 months ago). I think I finally turned the corner the other day as far as my desire for it. I finally no longer associate the Golden Arches with pleasure. In fact, I kind of feel like throwing up just thinking about what their food actually tasted like.

But I still can't escape the grocery store. I try to buy most of our food at Costco these days, however, there's no escaping Publix for certain things. I consider it a victory that now I can go to the store and: 1. Not get sick. 2. Not buy candy and soda. 3. Not buy a bunch of stuff I plan to gorge myself on later. 4. Buy a bunch of stuff I will later throw-out. 5. Not stop at McDonald's.

Now I only buy what's on my list when I go food shopping. I go only into the aisles I know that I need something in. I've also become picky. I only buy something if the quality is good.

Even though I deal with the grocery store like a normal person now, I still hate going. Memories of my past still haunt me. Why did I do this to myself? How could I have thought it was okay to eat like this? I can't imagine what my family must have thought. What people must have thought with my car always in the McDonald's parking lot. What was I thinking sitting there in my car, eating all that food before grocery shopping? Then eating more when I returned home?

I'm grateful for the diet I'm on. It's not always easy, but for the most part I can live with it. Now that I've lost a fairly significant amount of weight I feel like the fog is starting to lift. Maybe I can see myself more clearly. I can't say I like what I see. It scares me. But I am changing my ways. Slowly, but surely. It's not easy. I still want to pig-out. I would love to just go out for a meal and order what I want to eat, with no thought about what is within the confines of my food plan. I hope this desire for beer, wine and cheese passes...just as my desire for a Big Mac and candy has.