Hopefully the apples fall far from the tree

When I finally woke-up and realized what I had done to myself with food, I worried what impact my bad behavior had on my daughters. For many years, both have them have been after me to loose weight and exercise. I just felt helpless and like there was nothing I could do to stop eating or have the energy to even try to move off the chair. It was a difficult thing to go through...seeing them wanting me to be like other "normal" moms, wanting me to be healthy and needing me to be a good example for them. I failed. Failed them, my husband and myself. At some point, they all gave-up on me. Worse, I gave-up on myself.

I fear now that I'm on track, loosing weight and getting into better shape, that it's too late. The damage has been done to my beautiful daughters. Neither one of them eats healthfully. Both are thin, but obsessed with being more thin. Yet both will eat junk food given the opportunity. They say they fear ending up like me as the reason they don't eat as they should. I have no credibility with them and anything I try to say is dismissed.

What I would like to say to them, if they would listen is the following:

First of all, what I did to myself to get myself as heavy as I did had nothing to do with eating like a normal person. It had to do with self-destruction and escape. I didn't gain the weight by eating three healthy meals with at least one or two small snacks a day. I didn't gain the weight by being active and engaged in life. I gained the weight by having not one, but two breakfasts. I gained the weight by going to McDonald's almost every day and eating the most high caloric items on their menu. I gained the weight by eating untold amounts of candy, dips, butter on everything, boxes of cookies, etc. I gained the weight because it was impossible for me to ever feel full, I was always hungry. Ravenously hungry.

I gained the weight by being sedentary, not engaging in regular exercise. True I had a series of injuries that contributed to this, but in reality I could have swam or done other gentle exercises to keep moving. Also, one thing feeds into the other. I was either too busy thinking about my next meal, eating it or so tired from eating that I could hardly move. The bigger I got, the harder it became to even get out of my chair.

My daughters don't have to follow in my footsteps. They are both healthy weights and in decent shape at this point. Yet, my oldest wants to diet and loose 20 lbs so she will be at the lowest weight for her height. My youngest is very thin. She insists she doesn't have an eating disorder, but she eats a lot of junk. It could be that her metabolism is still good at this age (like mine was), but I just don't know. It kills me to see the detrimental affect I have had on them with food. I don't know how to undo the damage I've done.

I guess it starts with me taking care of myself. Hopefully, they will learn as a result of the way I'm dealing with food now that they won't automatically become heavy as they get older. Hopefully they will see that by eating right and being active, I won't be heavy anymore and that if they treat food and exercise in a moderate and healthy way, they won't have to fear they will be like me.